Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Dilemma Between Filth & Kitchen Sink

When I started this blog, I had no specific plan to focus on a particular subject. I had intended it to be about everything. However, it didn't come across my mind that I'd actually make this blog about couselling my visitors.

I have never claimed that I am a qualified counsellor; neither have I read books or undertaken any formal training to become one. In spite of this, I am making an exception for this special case. As a result of my post entitled Variety of Menu, I have received an email entitled "Perhaps your blog readers can help". In it, an anonymous person using the nickname On Ice told her story. She said I am not obligated to publish her mail. After pondering on her mail for a day or two, in the end I have decided to publish it.

I will reply her mail for whatever it's worth. Then it's up the readers of this blog to comment if they want to. I have also warned On Ice that some of the comments may not be very pleasant, but I suppose she must have seen that coming anyway.

OK, here's the mail from On Ice (without any editing):

"I'm a single woman in love with a married man with children. Go ahead, condemn and judge me for all I care. You cannot possibly beat the hurtful words and treatments I had to endure these past years from family and society.

Here's my story. I will begin where it ended.

This morning at 8am, I said good-bye to the man I have been having an affair with for the past 6 years. The reasons have nothing to do with us. We are still madly in love with each other. In fact we were at the very junction where we have always wanted. He was about to become available, marriageable once again. And there lies the problem.

Exhausted from all that shouting and crying, my parent finally sat me down last night with a filthy rich doctor at one this morning, They had found out about the status of my man and that freaks them out like nothing before. It's a cardinal rule of my parents that no children of theirs will ever break up someone's else family. They thought after all those hours of knocking some sense into me, it would be safe to ask me where my heart lies. I answered in front of the doctor I heart is with my man.

In a few days, I will have no choice but to marry the filthy rich doctor.

As far as affair goes, ours is typical and then some. Everything you can expect from affairs, the excitement, the thrills, the drama, the crying. Everything but the kitchen sink. Well, come to think of it, it did include the kitchen sink one hot steamy afternoon last November. As cliché and as nauseating it is to you out there I must say it has been the best years of my life.

Affairs by nature are short term and we knew it, so we kid ourselves for years that we will end it on that proverbial one day. After the next holiday together, after our birthdays, after mid summer, after Merdeka, after his wife's first suspicion and everything else in between. The latest and the most classic of them all that can only come from a man, "after Pak Lah gets ousted in the next general election" We were enjoying each other company sipping latte mixed with fume from passing cars in one of those fancy sidewalk bistro when he said that. I lean forward showing more of my already expose bosom and said what about after his (my man) next erection. With his eyes fixated to my pair he said "Darling, that would mean we would be history in a few minutes from now"

Ah! man such a simple creature. But I digress.

Before you go pounding on your keyboard with your medicine for my sorry state of being, here are few other things you need to know.

First, my family.

We are at the brink of a financial meltdown. I'm my family only source of hope. My current financial means would not keep my family afloat beyond Chinese New Year.

The never been married before doctor.

He is not a stranger pluck from the air. I met him 2 years ago for brief moment and at was that. He left for overseas. I have no romantic feeling toward him except for pity. He's old and fragile and rejected from family. I had considered him before because that would release my family from the financial worries. I know in a short few years from today, I would have a patient rather that a husband.

Me. I'm your outdated, follow what your parent say kind of girl. To give you some context, I am 41 years old and my mother confiscate my heels (and g-string) because it not good (or decent) for me. I have to hide them from her. I'm not your urban strong minded kind of woman that would follow my heart. My role as I have been taught since young is duty to parents.

And lastly, perhaps the biggest thing is that I love my man very much. He loves me. He care for me abundantly.

If you, so incline to provide me some words of encouragement or observation, please remember this is no Hollywood blockbuster. Be realistic.

On Ice"

Dear On Ice,

What a dilemma you are in—a married man who's madly in love with you, but is still working on getting himself marriageable again after 6 years; a filthy rich doctor who would still marry you even though he knows your heart belongs to someone else; your parents who are living your life for you; and you living in denial for such a long time. I'd say those are good ingredients for a Hollywood blockbuster.

I am not in a position to judge or condemn you, although I can't promise that the rest of my reply will not be hurtful. I have an open mind, but I am also direct with my opinions. I hope you will take it with an open mind too.

I have no formal training in psychiatry, but I know a bit about human psychology. Perhaps deep down in your heart you know that your lover will never ever have the guts to extricate himself from his marriage. He will always come very close to it, but that's as far as it's gonna get. If he hasn't been able to achieve it for the last 6 years, I can tell you that it's highly unlikely that he'll ever achieve it. I can only guess that whenever you two were at the brink of a break-up, he would move another step closer to become marriageable again. But after you ended up on the kitchen sink, he wouldn't pursue to become marriageable. The idea is only to dangle the carrot but not to actually let the rabbit eat it!

I think you are not a stupid woman—I'm convinced that you saw the kind of deal you're getting from this man long ago. But the passion was worth it. You enjoyed the thrills too; hence those were the best years of your life. You said it yourself—that "you kid yourselves for years".

Then there's the filthy rich doctor. Now that is another mystery. If indeed he is "filthy" rich, why would he want to choose a woman who he knows does not love him? There must be some other women who'd love him for his money, and would therefore gladly marry him? If I were him, I wouldn't force a woman to marry me if I knew she doesn't love me.

Your parents may be over-protective beings, but perhaps they are better able to see that you are making a blunder. Can you blame them? I can agree with their hard work to detach you from your lover, but I wouldn't go as far as forcing you to marry a man you don't love. In a couple of years' time, they will be gone forever, and then you will have the rest of your life sharing your pillow with a man you don't love. In that sense, I think it's selfish of your parents!

Listen, On Ice, I can understand the thrills of the kitchen sink. I haven't experienced it myself. Maybe I will get inspired with your story and get to try it some day. I doubt that my kitchen sink can withstand the weight of 75kg + 58kg, so I guess I should take steps to strengthen the sink first. If things had worked out between you and your lover, you won't get that kitchen sink deal from him forever—the thrills will no longer be there, you see. Then one day when you wake up into a shitty face without makeup in the morning; the kids creating troubles; bills to be paid etc, then you will need more than the kitchen sink to go forward.

So if my opinion is worth anything at all, let me advise you to forget about your lover (you know you two will somehow get together again one way or another—the temporary goodbye adds to the excitement!). And then be brave to stand up to your parents. Don't marry the man of their choice unless he is also your choice. You have disobeyed them for 6 years anyway.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

On Ice,

a friend (woman) said that she is able to live with the fact that her lover (a married man) loves her without physically, as in having him around all the time (or legally) having him.

the concept of she has the man heart and the wife has a piece of paper.

do you (or woman in general) buy that? cus I don't think a man can accept that.